Understanding Others
Have you ever had a problem getting others to understand you?
Do you find it frustrating when you cannot understand other people?
Do you sometimes find people hard to deal with?
Have you ever wondered how to make new friends?
Thankfully, there is a very useful triangle you can use to understand others and help them understand you.
This triangle is made up of three factors: Affinity, Reality, and Communication. It is called the ARC (pronounced A-R-C instead of arc) triangle and it is very useful.
Let’s explore each of these terms mean and why they make up a triangle:
Affinity- Affinity is the degree of liking or disliking someone or something. It is an emotional response connected with others and life. There are lower levels of affinity including sadness or anger (where one clearly dislikes someone or something that has happened) and higher levels such as strong interest and cheerfulness.
Reality- by reality, we mean the real things in life such as solid objects, people and places. We also mean the things that two or more people agree on. For example, I think ice cream is great. If you think ice cream is great, then that is something real (agreed) between us.
Communication- by communication, we mean the exchange of ideas, thoughts, opinions, etc., between two or more people whether this is spoken, written or said in an emoji or GIFs.
They are a triangle because they work together. When one corner is raised, the other two are also raised. When one is lowered, the other two are lowered.
Let’s have a look at some real-life examples:
Dave has promised his wife Sandra that he will be home by 6:30 pm to take her out for a meal after he has come home late from the office 3 times that week. Dave leaves work on time but is invited to a colleague's birthday drink and goes out with them. He finally arrives home at 9 pm.
The reality (agreement that Dave will be home on time) has been broken. The result is Sandra’s affinity for Dave is lowered (in other words she either becomes angry or sad). This also lowers her communication, i.e. she shouts at him, storms out the room and slams the door refusing to talk with him.
Sandra is out shopping and sees a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes reduced from £750 to £500. She decides these are a must-have and pays for them from their joint account. Dave checks the bank balance later that day and is surprised to find there is not enough money to pay the mortgage that week. He then spots the payment to Selfridges.
The reality (agreement only to pay for bills out of the joint account) has been broken. Dave becomes angry (lowered affinity), argues with Sandra and then goes down the pub (lowered communication).
Let’s look at this from the positive side:
Dave unexpectedly tells Sandra that he loves her and gives her flowers. This is improved communication. It inevitably increases the reality (agreement on their marriage) and boosts their affinity (liking for each other).
Sandra is out shopping and buys a shirt for Dave which she thinks he will really like. This unexpected present improves communication and boosts reality and affinity.
The handy thing with this triangle is that you can use one corner to improve any of the other two. If you want to increase your understanding of others, then you just need to work on improving the triangle.
It is important to note that communication is by far the biggest factor. Communication actually brings about Affinity and Reality. If you cannot communicate with someone or something in the broadest sense (e.g. see, hear, touch etc. them), then you can have no affinity or agreement.
So how can you use this in life?
Say you want to talk to someone new whether a new colleague or a potential new friend, partner or customer. The steps are:
Observe them and find something which you and the other person can agree on. This is why people often comment on the weather, traffic, the news etc. as there is usually broad agreement on these. It is better to find something that you enjoy such as a hobby, pastime etc. For example, if you meet the person at a business, sports, social etc. event then this is something on which you can agree.
You then attempt to maintain as high an affinity level as possible (e.g. cheerfulness) with them knowing there is something you can like about them.
You will then find it easy to speak with him or her as the other 2 factors are present.
Affinity, reality and communication are the components of understanding. By increasing each corner of the triangle, you will achieve understanding.
The ARC triangle is a simple and effective tool that helps you to understand others and life better. You are invited to find out more about it in the Scientology booklet, the Components of Understanding. Get your copy in the Bookstore today here!